Being the uber stylish party planner that I am... (I think after planning 2 successful bowling alley birthday party's I can give myself that title) I've been getting a lot of questions about how to recreate that perfect Kirk Cameron themed birthday party. You know the infamous, slightly depressing (that's your opinion) one he had back in October of 2011. So after months of research and some failed attempts, I finally have put together a step by step guide.
Now I'm sure you're all thinking, "Oh all I need to do is go get a couple of 5 dollar foot longs from Subway and a cake, and wahhhlaaa!" Oh no, to recreate that special birthday moment there is a lot more involved. The trick to pulling this shit off is making it look like it took 10 minutes to put together, when in fact it was actually a chaotic few days in the works.
Step 1:
Find a break/lunch room in an office building, preferably one built before 1982. Oh and if it has any aqua/ greenish carpeting that's a plus. This is key the whole ambiance. This is actually easier to find than you think . A friend, relative, neighbor, or hell, even your own office, or the office down the street might have one. Tell them you will literally only need to use it for 15 minutes max. Make sure it has furniture, not that you'll necessarily need the chairs as no one will be sitting in them as most of the sandwiches will be handed out as leftovers or stored in the fridge for a few days.
Step 2:
Whats a party without guests! Some real life of the party right there. All you need is 2 middle aged women, preferably divorced with low self-esteem. Now this is important - You don't want them to be in the center of things, you don't want them to feel included, because really no one is except God. .. you want one to stand off in the corner by the trash and recycling cans, the other one outside the door looking in (the phone isn't going to answer itself). Their basic job is to help clean up, but don't tell them that, they will anyways. That's what they've done their whole life.
Step 3:
Food!!! Did you know Subway caters? Yes they do! But why need that when you can have someone (ahem.. middle aged divorcee) pick that fucking shit up right from the store. Have her stand in line as during lunch rush as people roll their eyes when she says "And I have 2 more subs actually.." Remember you want this party to look like it was put together at the last minute. You want 3 (three) $5 foot longs, and one 6" sub. What kind of sub really doesn't matter, as more than likely as I mentioned before, they won't be eaten. A small chocolate cake from a grocery store or B.J.'s and Sam's club is fine, don't go out of your way to buy candles. One of the drawers in the break room is bound to have a few laying around.
Step 4:
Once everything is put on paper plates. Put you half drunken bottle of juice on the table, blow out your goddamn candles, put your subway sandwich in the fridge and let's get out of this bitch!
