Uncle Rico

Every time I watch the movie 'Napoleon Dynamite' and Uncle Rico is introduced, I can't help but feel a sense of deja vu. Like his character is based on someone I know. Maybe I've partied with him before.. He's the uncle that comes 2 hours late to a your nieces 5th birthday party, and without saying a word to anyone opens the refrigerator, pulls out a can of Budweiser, and proceeds to chug it until empty and says "I'm fucked up bro... Sophia come give your Uncle Rico a hug!!!!!"

Uncle Rico is the guy who keeps asking you if you want to see the new upholstery he put in his van, even though you're pretty sure he's asked you this at least 3 times before. His van is conveniently located half way down the street near an empty lot.

Uncle Rico is the guy where a typical conversation with him goes as follows..
"Who's that sweet piece of meat over there..."
 "Uncle Rico she's 13."
"Well I'll be....."

How to Recreate A Kirk Cameron Themed Birthday Party!

Being the uber stylish party planner that I am... (I think after planning 2 successful bowling alley birthday party's I can give myself that title) I've been getting a lot of questions about how to recreate that perfect Kirk Cameron themed birthday party. You know the infamous, slightly depressing (that's your opinion) one he had back in October of 2011. So after months of research and some failed attempts, I finally have put together a step by step guide.


Now I'm sure you're all thinking, "Oh all I need to do is go get a couple of 5 dollar foot longs from Subway and a cake, and wahhhlaaa!" Oh no, to recreate that special birthday moment there is a lot more involved. The trick to pulling this shit off is making it look like it took 10 minutes to put together, when in fact it was actually a chaotic few days in the works.

Step 1:
Find a break/lunch room in an office building, preferably one built before 1982. Oh and if it has any aqua/ greenish carpeting that's a plus. This is key the whole ambiance. This is actually easier to find than you think . A friend, relative, neighbor, or hell, even your own office, or the office down the street might have one. Tell them you will literally only need to use it for 15 minutes max. Make sure it has furniture, not that you'll necessarily need the chairs as no one will be sitting in them as most of the sandwiches will be handed out as leftovers or stored in the fridge for a few days.

Step 2:
Whats a party without guests! Some real life of the party right there. All you need is 2 middle aged women, preferably divorced with low self-esteem.  Now this is important - You don't want them to be in the center of things, you don't want them to feel included, because really no one is except God. .. you want one to stand off in the corner by the trash and recycling cans, the other one outside the door looking in (the phone isn't going to answer itself). Their basic job is to help clean up, but don't tell them that, they will anyways. That's what they've done their whole life.

Step 3:
Food!!! Did you know Subway caters? Yes they do! But why need that when you can have someone (ahem.. middle aged divorcee) pick that fucking shit up right from the store. Have her stand in line as during lunch rush as people roll their eyes when she says "And I have 2 more subs actually.." Remember you want this party to look like it was put together at the last minute. You want 3 (three) $5 foot longs, and one 6" sub. What kind of sub really doesn't matter, as more than likely as I mentioned before, they won't be eaten. A small chocolate cake from a grocery store or  B.J.'s and Sam's club is fine, don't go out of your way to buy candles. One of the drawers in the break room is bound to have a few laying around.

Step 4:
Once everything is put on paper plates.  Put you half drunken bottle of juice on the table, blow out your goddamn candles, put your subway sandwich in the fridge and let's get out of this bitch!

Criss Angel - My Dream Guy

When someone asked me what qualities I look for in a man. I smiled, because I already had a list of all the qualities I wanted in my dream guy.. in fact I had it written down on a piece of paper in my pocket.

1. He has to wear a lot of black or dark colors

2. Wear black eyeliner
3. Have a lisp
4. Likes Cats

5. Make cool gestures with his hands in every picture

6. Can levitate
7. Wears lots of jewelry of handcuffs mixed with crucifixes.

8. Has dated former Playboy playmates

9. Has a music side project
10. **Is a magician**

And the only guy who fits that bill perfectly is Criss Angel. So I won't accept anything less than I deserve goddammit.. and I sure as hell ain't gonna take no substitutions, because I'm worth it. (Been working a lot with my therapist on that one)

Who's Creepier?? Uncle Jesse or Joey?

I've always been one for intellectual debate... seeing how I was the president of my debate team in high school. Just kidding, I never went to high school.
So the question is, who's creepier, Uncle Jesse or Joey from Full House? You see there are many varying opinions , theories, and facts on this matter (And no Danny Tanner is completely out of this equation, and the best dad ever btw) So lets review the facts first/theories.. then I'll give my opinion

Uncle Jesse

He's the real actual maternal uncle that definitely puts him at an advantage of being creepy

He had a mullet at one point, which adds to the creepy factor, but then again it was a time when it was the style. No questions asked.

He never really had a full time job, or a job. I remember him writing jingles, and then having a radio show. Then making a music video? I don't know, but Aunt Becky definitely brought home the bacon if you know what I mean.

He definitely fucked a lot of chicks. This is a fact. Shit I would have fucked him, uncle or no uncle. Prior to Aunt Becky I am pretty sure he was dipping that Greek sausage in any hole that came along. Mostly skanky slutty bitches I'm sure with big hair and lots of aquanet. I'm pretty sure he's banged some underage chicks but not really on purpose, the age factor just never came up.

OK, I don't know if you noticed this but Uncle Jesse and Stephanie had a weird love/hate relationship. I think the question came up between them a few times about just how related they were. He was always harping on her more than other two. Stephanie started to rebel in the last season or so. I think something happened between her and Uncle Jesse physically, I can't say full blown intercourse, but something along those lines did happen.

I also think Uncle Jesse got drunk one night, and plowed Kimmie Gibler. I think Kimmie was totally sober since she had been into him for awhile. He got fucked up after a fight with Aunt Becky, went outside in the backyard to sit and collect his thoughts and Kimmie was there. She was just leaving the Tanner residence after a night of watching music videos with D.J. Sure enough, she saw him, and one thing led to another. This would explain why he's so annoyed and tries to avoid her every chance he can get. He's so disgusted by what he did.

Joey (Gladstone)



Joey, Joey, where do I begin with this guy. Despite people calling him Uncle Joey, he's NOT the Tanner girls uncle or relative in any way shape or form. He's Danny Tanner's best friend since grade school.

He did have a mullet as well. Not as cool as Jesse's but Joey wasn't even in the same league as Jesse in anything. But he did keep his mullet for a long time, well after it was fashionable.

Joey initially moved into the Tanner house to help Danny out after the tragic death of his wife.  thennnnn he just stayed. I'd really like to see the place he lived in prior to moving into the Tanner household. I'm guessing it was a motel called the Red Robin near the airport which had weekly rates.

He lived in the garage for awhile as I remembered, lived in the living room... Ummmm then moved in the basement, after being interrupted one too many times jerking his hockey stick. Luckily I think the girls were way too young to know what was going on, but I am sure they did inquire what the quick rapid movements, moans, dirty talk in chipmunk voice, and creaking of his cot were at night. (All Uncle Jesse had to conceal with were slurping noises) Danny got tired of these questions, and then Joey moved to a room on the same hallway with all 3 girls. And stayed. Forever I'm sure. I'm sure he's there right now.

Like Jesse, Joey didn't have much of an income and was constantly changing jobs. He was a struggling "comedian" a really shitty one. Then he was sticking his hand up a puppet ass named Mr. Woodchuck.

Joey never had a serious relationship. He had that one girl with a funny voice for a bit, but other than that he was content not dating or having a relationship with a female of the opposite sex other than Danny's children, and Jesse's wife.

I don't think he had a car.

I have to go with Joey on this one as for being creepier. This mofo is incapable of having a normal conversation and does horrible impressions. I don't think I have ever laughed once at any the jokes he has done, except for "cut it out" which I still do use quite frequently, I will give him props on that one.   I would image it being horrendous having to literally shut your bedroom door in his fucking face every time your friends came around. "Is that guy Joey still living with you guys?.. I thought he was only staying for a bit, not like 10 years." I can picture him forgetting to lock the bathroom door all the time and walking in on him naked brushing his teeth or blow drying his hair. Then him making some horrible impression or joke to ease the awkwardness of it.

Agree, disagree??? Let me know your thoughts or ideas, or maybe I'm missing something!!!















pictures via Full House Reviewed   - great site I recommend you visit it btw

Some Cool Facts About Richard Grieco

OK all you Richard Grieco fans!!! Here's some fun facts that will test your "Grieco" knowledge, and see how big of a fan you really are.
Did you know that Richard Grieco...

• Is half Irish, half Italian. What a combo!
• Is also a musician? He has an album out called "WAITING FOR THE SKY TO FALL" which apparently was a success in Europe. Come on Americans, wake up!!
• Use to date Baywatch babe Yasmine Bleeth. Pamela was already dating someone else at the time
• Has a black panther tattoo on his shoulder
• Was a guest star on an episode of "WHO'S THE BOSS" (whoa!!! Tony Danza and Richard Grieco, talk about a double whammy!!!)
• Writes poetry and paints (Watch the fuck out, modern day Leonardo DaVinci in the house!!) 
• Favorite food is Pizza! (OK, I made that one up, but it should be pizza cause thats my fav) 

I'm out of facts for now, but I hope you learned a little something about Richard Grieco besides him being a major stud muffin! But here's a poem to remind you about his amazing talent (I like to this think he wrote this about me)

 

 

Child of Hollywood

l Credits: Richard Grieco l

Child of Hollywood
Cocaine in her dresser drawer
Satisfaction ten minutes away
Just a sniff and she'll be blown away Child of Hollywood
Just needs a friend
A lonely girl's life made up of pretend
Always glassy eyed
with no means to an end Child of Hollywood
In a red Porsche
Another sniff and everything's all right
Flies off a cliff on an endless flight

At peace at last
Without a friend and without a past
Child of Hollywood
alone at last

My Creepy Uncle Rick

We all have those uncles, maybe cousins, or know someone like this. The uncle who just never quite got it together. You know the kind I'm talking about. The ones that hugs you just a little too tightly, and lets his fingers linger just a little too long on your arm for no apparent reason. The uncle who's been engaged more than a dozen times, a couple of divorces, maybe a few restraining orders in his midst, but hey, she was fucking bitch anyways. You sometimes hear things about him just from a simple stop at the local convenience store. "Dude, you should have seen your uncle last night.. holllyyy shit!" Maybe he's been to rehab, or jail. Maybe he's a school teacher who lives in your basement has a collection of hamsters. There is such a variety out there.

I've noticed this in my 3 decades, from various weddings, funerals, family parties, reunions’, bar patrons, or whenever I'm around someones family function there is always that one uncle, just lurking around being well that creepy uncle.

Let me tell you a little story about my creepy uncle Rick, who use to live in the apartment above our garage at our old house. He would disappear for days. Come back with a beat up truck or woman. Usually the woman (I use that term loosely) would only stay for a week or so max, but the car. Well the car would stay perched on cinder blocks in the back yard while Uncle Rick would chug down warm natural ices while pretending that unicorns exist and that this piece of shit car would someday work if he hung around it long enough, and sprinkle Marlboro red cigarette butts around the vehicle as if it was magical fairy dust and would somehow make that car start.

Don't ask me what Uncle Rick did for a living. I really don't know. When rent time would come around he would be gone a few days. That's usually when I felt safe enough to bring my 13 & 14-year-old friends around. Even then he would have a sense, that underage girl sixth sense, and come out of the woodwork with a 12 pack of natural ice in his hand and new cut off sleeved t-shirt.

Uncle Rick was one of those people who just didn't get the hint. That it was A.) Inappropriate to hit on 14-year-old girls, when you're 38.  B.) It was illegal to buy/offer persons under the age of 21 alcohol. C.) He had the worst body odor and D.) No one cared about "your cunt of an ex girlfriend" anyways. I would sit there in our communal plastic lawn chair and watch my friends cringe as he slammed down beer after beer, (half of it ended up on his shirt anyways) throwing the empties in the yard while slurring, "I don't give a fuuuucckkkkk. Ain't my property" and let out a belch that rustled the squirrels out of the trees.

At first it was awesome and then it just became annoying. Then it became sad. I never felt so alone in my life. I had a creepy uncle and I was ashamed of this.  I no longer wanted to bring what few friends I had around. Instead I would make excuses.. "Maybe we could hang out at the mall.. or go to a movie?" LAMEEEE....It was my hidden secret, or so I thought. Until that one fateful day I realized I was not alone.  I went to a friend’s BBQ at her aunts’ house. Low and behold he was not hard to find. Another creepy uncle. Although he looked different, was a different age, build, and balding, he still had those same characteristics. For an hour I watched him put on silly hats, take pictures in various poses,  laugh, and then seem to get extremely intoxicated and try to blow up balloon animals, until his wife screamed at him to get inside "Quit making an ass of yourself Ronald!".

I turned to look at my friend, with my tears in both of our eyes, I grabbed her hand which was shaking. "Why didn't you tell me? Why didn't you fucking tell me goddammit!" I said as I shook her shoulders. "I don't know, I don't know..." she replied sobbing. She was a real ugly crier, that’s why I shook her so hard. "I was just, just soooo soooooo ashamed..." she continued to cry. I shook her shoulders harder. Like I mentioned she was a real ugly crier. "GODDAMMIT, WHY US!!!" I bellowed to the sky. I took a plastic blowup dolphin and threw it into the pool as hard as I could. The wind was not on my side that day and it ended up over the fence into the neighbors yard.

So I decided to start a blog about "Creepy Uncles" Anyone who's ever had/has one or knows of one, works with one, or just has stories to share. (made up or true) You are not alone.

Please send 'em in!