August 20, 2012

My Creepy Uncle Rick

We all have those uncles, maybe cousins, or know someone like this. The uncle who just never quite got it together. You know the kind I'm talking about. The ones that hugs you just a little too tightly, and lets his fingers linger just a little too long on your arm for no apparent reason. The uncle who's been engaged more than a dozen times, a couple of divorces, maybe a few restraining orders in his midst, but hey, she was fucking bitch anyways. You sometimes hear things about him just from a simple stop at the local convenience store. "Dude, you should have seen your uncle last night.. holllyyy shit!" Maybe he's been to rehab, or jail. Maybe he's a school teacher who lives in your basement has a collection of hamsters. There is such a variety out there.

I've noticed this in my 3 decades, from various weddings, funerals, family parties, reunions’, bar patrons, or whenever I'm around someones family function there is always that one uncle, just lurking around being well that creepy uncle.

Let me tell you a little story about my creepy uncle Rick, who use to live in the apartment above our garage at our old house. He would disappear for days. Come back with a beat up truck or woman. Usually the woman (I use that term loosely) would only stay for a week or so max, but the car. Well the car would stay perched on cinder blocks in the back yard while Uncle Rick would chug down warm natural ices while pretending that unicorns exist and that this piece of shit car would someday work if he hung around it long enough, and sprinkle Marlboro red cigarette butts around the vehicle as if it was magical fairy dust and would somehow make that car start.

Don't ask me what Uncle Rick did for a living. I really don't know. When rent time would come around he would be gone a few days. That's usually when I felt safe enough to bring my 13 & 14-year-old friends around. Even then he would have a sense, that underage girl sixth sense, and come out of the woodwork with a 12 pack of natural ice in his hand and new cut off sleeved t-shirt.
Uncle Rick was one of those people who just didn't get the hint. That it was A.) Inappropriate to hit on 14-year-old girls, when you're 38.  B.) It was illegal to buy/offer persons under the age of 21 alcohol. C.) He had the worst body odor and D.) No one cared about "your cunt of an ex girlfriend" anyways. I would sit there in our communal plastic lawn chair and watch my friends cringe as he slammed down beer after beer, (half of it ended up on his shirt anyways) throwing the empties in the yard while slurring, "I don't give a fuuuucckkkkk. Ain't my property" and let out a belch that rustled the squirrels out of the trees.

At first it was awesome and then it just became annoying. Then it became sad. I never felt so alone in my life. I had a creepy uncle and I was ashamed of this.  I no longer wanted to bring what few friends I had around. Instead I would make excuses.. "Maybe we could hang out at the mall.. or go to a movie?" LAMEEEE....It was my hidden secret, or so I thought. Until that one fateful day I realized I was not alone.  I went to a friend’s BBQ at her aunts’ house. Low and behold he was not hard to find. Another creepy uncle. Although he looked different, was a different age, build, and balding, he still had those same characteristics. For an hour I watched him put on silly hats, take pictures in various poses,  laugh, and then seem to get extremely intoxicated and try to blow up balloon animals, until his wife screamed at him to get inside "Quit making an ass of yourself Ronald!".
I turned to look at my friend, with my tears in both of our eyes, I grabbed her hand which was shaking. "Why didn't you tell me? Why didn't you fucking tell me goddammit!" I said as I shook her shoulders. "I don't know, I don't know..." she replied sobbing. She was a real ugly crier, that’s why I shook her so hard. "I was just, just soooo soooooo ashamed..." she continued to cry. I shook her shoulders harder. Like I mentioned she was a real ugly crier. "GODDAMMIT, WHY US!!!" I bellowed to the sky. I took a plastic blowup dolphin and threw it into the pool as hard as I could. The wind was not on my side that day and it ended up over the fence into the neighbors yard.
So I decided to start a blog about "Creepy Uncles" Anyone who's ever had/has one or knows of one, works with one, or just has stories to share. (made up or true) You are not alone.
Please send 'em in!

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