October 13, 2014

Uncle Rico

Every time I watch the movie 'Napoleon Dynamite' and Uncle Rico is introduced, I can't help but feel a sense of deja vu. Like his character is based on someone I know. Maybe I've partied with him before.. He's the uncle that comes 2 hours late to a your nieces 5th birthday party, and without saying a word to anyone opens the refrigerator, pulls out a can of Budweiser, and proceeds to chug it until empty and says "I'm fucked up bro... Sophia come give your Uncle Rico a hug!!!!!"

Uncle Rico is the guy who keeps asking you if you want to see the new upholstery he put in his van, even though you're pretty sure he's asked you this at least 3 times before. His van is conveniently located half way down the street near an empty lot.

Uncle Rico is the guy where a typical conversation with him goes as follows..
"Who's that sweet piece of meat over there..."
 "Uncle Rico she's 13."
"Well I'll be....."

July 29, 2014

Butch Baltierra, The Man, The Myth, The Legend

First off all, I did have some commentary for this video, but then I deleted it. What could I possibly say following that epic speech? It's like Nickleback playing AFTER the Rolling Stones, it just doesn't make sense (or in general). But what I can say is that I appreciate a man who is honest. A man who's got the balls to be like "Juicehead? Oh hell no, I'm a cokehead asshole, get it right." Trailer parks and their bullshit rules... tell me about it.

November 15, 2013

How to Recreate A Kirk Cameron Themed Birthday Party!

Being the uber stylish party planner that I am... (I think after planning 2 successful bowling alley birthday party's I can give myself that title) I've been getting a lot of questions about how to recreate that perfect Kirk Cameron themed birthday party. You know the infamous, slightly depressing (that's your opinion) one he had back in October of 2011. So after months of research and some failed attempts, I finally have put together a step by step guide.

Now I'm sure you're all thinking, "Oh all I need to do is go get a couple of 5 dollar foot longs from Subway and a cake, and wahhhlaaa!" Oh no, to recreate that special birthday moment there is a lot more involved. The trick to pulling this shit off is making it look like it took 10 minutes to put together, when in fact it was actually a chaotic few days in the works.

Step 1:
Find a break/lunch room in an office building, preferably one built before 1982. Oh and if it has any aqua/ greenish carpeting that's a plus. This is key the whole ambiance. This is actually easier to find than you think . A friend, relative, neighbor, or hell, even your own office, or the office down the street might have one. Tell them you will literally only need to use it for 15 minutes max. Make sure it has furniture, not that you'll necessarily need the chairs as no one will be sitting in them as most of the sandwiches will be handed out as leftovers or stored in the fridge for a few days.

Step 2:
Whats a party without guests! Some real life of the party right there. All you need is 2 middle aged women, preferably divorced with low self-esteem.  Now this is important - You don't want them to be in the center of things, you don't want them to feel included, because really no one is except God. .. you want one to stand off in the corner by the trash and recycling cans, the other one outside the door looking in (the phone isn't going to answer itself). Their basic job is to help clean up, but don't tell them that, they will anyways. That's what they've done their whole life.

Step 3:
Food!!! Did you know Subway caters? Yes they do! But why need that when you can have someone (ahem.. middle aged divorcee) pick that fucking shit up right from the store. Have her stand in line as during lunch rush as people roll their eyes when she says "And I have 2 more subs actually.." Remember you want this party to look like it was put together at the last minute. You want 3 (three) $5 foot longs, and one 6" sub. What kind of sub really doesn't matter, as more than likely as I mentioned before, they won't be eaten. A small chocolate cake from a grocery store or  B.J.'s and Sam's club is fine, don't go out of your way to buy candles. One of the drawers in the break room is bound to have a few laying around.

Step 4:
Once everything is put on paper plates.  Put you half drunken bottle of juice on the table, blow out your goddamn candles, put your subway sandwich in the fridge and let's get out of this bitch!

April 7, 2013

Best Movie Drinking Games Ever!!!

Great thing about drinking games is you can pretty much make one out of anything. I mean ANYTHING. My favorite one is the game where you drink everytime you get sad or have a negative thought about yourself - and next thing you know you're wasted and maybe crying!!!
I also love drinking games that go with movies. Take the website Lazydork.com, which has literally thousands of movie drinking games - Literally, think of a movie and they have a game for that. (for strictly non-alcoholic ONLY they advise). 
Me and buddies bought a 30 pack of Bud Light, and popped in the classic movie Road House and the rules were simple.

Drink Every Time . . .

1. Anytime a fight breaks out2. The band is shown playing
3. A weapon is used
4. Dalton surveys the room
5. Anyone says "Double Deuce"
6. Wesley is a bully
AND IF YOU REALLY WANT TO GET WASTED . . .Anytime anyone drinks.

Needless to say we were shitfaced haflway through the movie. (Ok we added some of our own rules)

Shawshank Redemption.. no fucking problem!! This one was also great.

Drink Every Time . . .

1. Anyone is injured or killed2. There is any referemce to what someone did to get in prison
3. Andy works for the guards or warden
4. The guys talk over lunch
5. Anyone carves rocks, wood, or walls
6. Anyone gets something from the outside
Anytime there is a voiceover.

Also check out movieboozer.com , they too have an extensive selection. I recommend getting a dry erase board, hang it near the TV and writing the rules on it. So you have a point of reference for the time being. 

February 18, 2013

Too Fast For Love

If you do not own this book by photographer David Yellen, then shame on fucking you. This should be a part of everyone's library collection, or the only thing in your library collection. Shit you don't even have to read!  All you have to do is open up a can of bud light, sit back, turn on some White Snake, and flip through those glossy pages. A world that is right at your finger tips.

If you have ever been to a rock band concert in the 80's early 90's you have seen these people no doubt. But if you have ever been to these same band concerts circa 2001 until present day, you will see these types of super fans there once again. You might even see the same goddamn people as in the book. You will see mullets, home made tattoos and girls in tight one piece spandex body suits waiting by the side of the stage for their one chance to blow a member of Cinderella. These fans are still out there and thanks to Yellen's  'Too Fast For Love'  he has captured them at their best moments. These people have been dressing this way for decades. Fans for decades. Sure they may have tacked on a few more DUI's and wrinkles, but all in all, their look has NOT changed. Most importantly their heart has not changed.

I myself have been privileged enough to attend a few of these concerts in recent years, and though I don't necessary believe in time machines per say, I do believe once you step through those concert gates you are in a different dimension. A time when smoking a cigarette with your 1 year old on your lap was acceptable. A time when black eyeliner was for everyone. A time when your main goal was to do anything, I mean anything possible to get back stage for the chance to snort some coke off your favorite band members cock.  (Ok maybe thats just me) It was camaraderie, a judge free zone. I felt, for the first time in years a sense of belonging. But I guarantee you, rock is not dead, these fans have been keeping it real since '82 and thank fucking god for them. Thank god.

photos: davidyellen.com

February 6, 2013

I Love You Kai

OK, so I have already decided that I naming my first born kid after this guy, Kai, straight out of dogtown. All he wants to do is go surfin', smoke some sweet bud, and club people in the head with a hatchet if need be.  Gotta give this mother fucker props cause if it wasn't for him there would be bodies everywhere!! Shhhitttt... yeeaahhh. He reminds me of the guys I met when I was stranded in San Francisco after clipping weed in Ukiah for a few weeks. I got dropped off the bus station and was trying to figure what the hell I was going to do. These guys came up to me, both lookin' just like mother fucking Kai, asking me if I knew where they could catch some cargo ship going to Hawaii and if I wanted to go. If it wasn't for the cops or the pole-icy telling us to move on I would have went with them... I would have fucking went. Fuck.

January 10, 2013

Bring Back the Middle Part!!!

Guys, forget about those faux hawks, or buzz cuts, and the comb over is just ugghhhh. If you really want to impress a lady go with the middle part!

(via BuzzFeed)

Read more about the 25 Most Important Middle Parts in History here!

December 24, 2012

Guide to Surviving Holidays With Creepy Uncles

I understand this post might be late as tomorrow is Christmas already, but I recommend that you bookmark this page, print it out, or whatever because I guarantee you that you WILL NEED this for future reference. Because whenever there is a large amount of family and friends and spiked eggnog, there will always be a creepy uncle lurking around the corner...

Now even if you don't technically have a creepy uncle, chances are you know someone who does. And chances are that you are more than likely to run into this person during the holidays more than any other time of year. So here are some tips to make your encounter a little more bearable.

1. You don't want him to show you his new "purchase".

This will involve a lot of unnecessary small talk, and the chance to be alone. He will ask you this as creepy uncles love to show off their new purchases no matter how big or small. It could be a new cam shaft in his trans am, or a new air hockey table he put in the basement, or "man cave". It doesn't matter. Creepy uncles take pride in these things, plus it gives them the chance to up the creepy factor and segregate you from the rest of the party, making an escape a little more difficult. They love to talk and brag about their purchases no matter how mundane they may seem. It shows they have money (no matter how they got it and prove the whole family wrong and their ex wife, even though they're buried in back child support payments) and they can chew your ear off  for a lengthy period of time about nothing making things just plain uncomfortable. Plus they've probably been on all day drinking binge. Not a good combo.

2. Keep your cute friends away from him.

Creepy uncles love young new blood. They relish holidays just for the simple fact that you might bring a friend home who has no place to go for the holidays. Preferably female. They love this for these simple reasons; A. Most likely she hasn't heard about his reputation B. She'll probably drink just a little too much C. She's grateful that you invited her to your home for the holidays so she'll be on her best behavior and won't be rude as your normal friends are to him. You could warn your cute friend about him, but she'll will most likely laugh, and say "Come on... I'm sure he's not that bad." Or accuse you of exaggerating.
You could do two things, let her learn the hard way, which in my opinion is just fucking cruel. Or you could make it your nights mission and do a good deed (karma!!) and make it your mission to keep her away from your creepy uncle at all costs.
Your creepy uncle will try to make conversation with her about anything. "You like fly fishing? I got some fly fishing rods in the back of my truck, well not my truck my buddy's truck if you wanna take a look." Change the conversation quickly. If she gets up to go to the kitchen for a refill, follow her immediately, don't wait, as he will already be two steps ahead of you, cornering her near the refrigerator.

3. Do not take his advice, about anything.

Creepy uncle's love to give advice. They've been there done that. Whether they're a successful lawyer or a night janitor at Wendy's, they have some sort of life lessons they need you to know. Now you might say "Damn, I should give this guy a break.. I mean he might be right about this one." Stop yourself and throw that thought in the "I will never think this again" box. Creepy uncles might have good intentions (some of them) but most of them took a wrong turn in life somewhere, and can never seem to get their shit together. There is a reason for that. Again I repeat do not take their advice. Think of the things that have come out their mouth in all the years you have known them. "Fuck college man, I didn't need no college, or fucking high school... look at me. I did that whole fall-off-the-ladder routine and now I get $350 bucks a week from Uncle Sam." or "So she pressed charges on me, listen buddy, you love something you don't let it go, no matter what the law says or how many restraining orders she puts on you. If she didn't care about you she wouldn't go through all this time and trouble filing reports, and going to court and shit." You don't want to follow in their footsteps. Creepy uncles will rarely admit when they're wrong.

Those are the major no no's for the holidays, there are also some small ones. For instance if they smell, obviously stay away, or spit they talk stand back. Don't get too attached to the girl/guy they bring home, they won't last. And if you they ask you if you want "to party" say no, because you have no idea where they got that shit, and what its cut with.
Most importantly enjoy the holidays!

September 16, 2012

Criss Angel - My Dream Guy

When someone asked me what qualities I look for in a man. I smiled, because I already had a list of all the qualities I wanted in my dream guy.. in fact I had it written down on a piece of paper in my pocket.

1. He has to wear a lot of black or dark colors

2. Wear black eyeliner
3. Have a lisp
4. Likes Cats

5. Make cool gestures with his hands in every picture

6. Can levitate
7. Wears lots of jewelry of handcuffs mixed with crucifixes.

8. Has dated former Playboy playmates

9. Has a music side project
10. **Is a magician**

And the only guy who fits that bill perfectly is Criss Angel. So I won't accept anything less than I deserve goddammit.. and I sure as hell ain't gonna take no substitutions, because I'm worth it. (Been working a lot with my therapist on that one)

September 2, 2012

Who's Creepier?? Uncle Jesse or Joey?

I've always been one for intellectual debate... seeing how I was the president of my debate team in high school. Just kidding, I never went to high school.
So the question is, who's creepier, Uncle Jesse or Joey from Full House? You see there are many varying opinions , theories, and facts on this matter (And no Danny Tanner is completely out of this equation, and the best dad ever btw) So lets review the facts first/theories.. then I'll give my opinion

Uncle Jesse

He's the real actual maternal uncle that definitely puts him at an advantage of being creepy

He had a mullet at one point, which adds to the creepy factor, but then again it was a time when it was the style. No questions asked.

He never really had a full time job, or a job. I remember him writing jingles, and then having a radio show. Then making a music video? I don't know, but Aunt Becky definitely brought home the bacon if you know what I mean.

He definitely fucked a lot of chicks. This is a fact. Shit I would have fucked him, uncle or no uncle. Prior to Aunt Becky I am pretty sure he was dipping that Greek sausage in any hole that came along. Mostly skanky slutty bitches I'm sure with big hair and lots of aquanet. I'm pretty sure he's banged some underage chicks but not really on purpose, the age factor just never came up.

OK, I don't know if you noticed this but Uncle Jesse and Stephanie had a weird love/hate relationship. I think the question came up between them a few times about just how related they were. He was always harping on her more than other two. Stephanie started to rebel in the last season or so. I think something happened between her and Uncle Jesse physically, I can't say full blown intercourse, but something along those lines did happen.

I also think Uncle Jesse got drunk one night, and plowed Kimmie Gibler. I think Kimmie was totally sober since she had been into him for awhile. He got fucked up after a fight with Aunt Becky, went outside in the backyard to sit and collect his thoughts and Kimmie was there. She was just leaving the Tanner residence after a night of watching music videos with D.J. Sure enough, she saw him, and one thing led to another. This would explain why he's so annoyed and tries to avoid her every chance he can get. He's so disgusted by what he did.

Joey (Gladstone)

Joey, Joey, where do I begin with this guy. Despite people calling him Uncle Joey, he's NOT the Tanner girls uncle or relative in any way shape or form. He's Danny Tanner's best friend since grade school.

He did have a mullet as well. Not as cool as Jesse's but Joey wasn't even in the same league as Jesse in anything. But he did keep his mullet for a long time, well after it was fashionable.

Joey initially moved into the Tanner house to help Danny out after the tragic death of his wife.  thennnnn he just stayed. I'd really like to see the place he lived in prior to moving into the Tanner household. I'm guessing it was a motel called the Red Robin near the airport which had weekly rates.

He lived in the garage for awhile as I remembered, lived in the living room... Ummmm then moved in the basement, after being interrupted one too many times jerking his hockey stick. Luckily I think the girls were way too young to know what was going on, but I am sure they did inquire what the quick rapid movements, moans, dirty talk in chipmunk voice, and creaking of his cot were at night. (All Uncle Jesse had to conceal with were slurping noises) Danny got tired of these questions, and then Joey moved to a room on the same hallway with all 3 girls. And stayed. Forever I'm sure. I'm sure he's there right now.

Like Jesse, Joey didn't have much of an income and was constantly changing jobs. He was a struggling "comedian" a really shitty one. Then he was sticking his hand up a puppet ass named Mr. Woodchuck.

Joey never had a serious relationship. He had that one girl with a funny voice for a bit, but other than that he was content not dating or having a relationship with a female of the opposite sex other than Danny's children, and Jesse's wife.

I don't think he had a car.

I have to go with Joey on this one as for being creepier. This mofo is incapable of having a normal conversation and does horrible impressions. I don't think I have ever laughed once at any the jokes he has done, except for "cut it out" which I still do use quite frequently, I will give him props on that one.   I would image it being horrendous having to literally shut your bedroom door in his fucking face every time your friends came around. "Is that guy Joey still living with you guys?.. I thought he was only staying for a bit, not like 10 years." I can picture him forgetting to lock the bathroom door all the time and walking in on him naked brushing his teeth or blow drying his hair. Then him making some horrible impression or joke to ease the awkwardness of it.

Agree, disagree??? Let me know your thoughts or ideas, or maybe I'm missing something!!!

pictures via Full House Reviewed   - great site I recommend you visit it btw

August 28, 2012

Joe Giudice Doesn't Give a Fuck

And why should he? Shiiittt... he's drinking his wine, smoking his cigars, playing his poker, taking his shirt off, talking to bitches on the phone and taking care of his business (whatever that may be.) Leave 'em alone for christ sakes. Plus I got to give props to any guy who survived an attempted rape by his wife Teresa in the Napa vineyards.
People who are shocked and disgusted  by Joe Giudice's behavior in Bravo's "The Real Housewives of New Jersey", have obviously never been to northern Jersey. I am lucky enough to have a mother that was born and raised in Northern Jersey (or NoJo as I like to call it) and also lucky enough to have a spot in the family grave plot ready for me so I can spend the rest of eternity in Lodi. So I'm happy that Bravo chose to put the "real" in these housewives.