September 16, 2012

Criss Angel - My Dream Guy

When someone asked me what qualities I look for in a man. I smiled, because I already had a list of all the qualities I wanted in my dream guy.. in fact I had it written down on a piece of paper in my pocket.

1. He has to wear a lot of black or dark colors

2. Wear black eyeliner
3. Have a lisp
4. Likes Cats

5. Make cool gestures with his hands in every picture

6. Can levitate
7. Wears lots of jewelry of handcuffs mixed with crucifixes.

8. Has dated former Playboy playmates

9. Has a music side project
10. **Is a magician**

And the only guy who fits that bill perfectly is Criss Angel. So I won't accept anything less than I deserve goddammit.. and I sure as hell ain't gonna take no substitutions, because I'm worth it. (Been working a lot with my therapist on that one)

September 2, 2012

Who's Creepier?? Uncle Jesse or Joey?

I've always been one for intellectual debate... seeing how I was the president of my debate team in high school. Just kidding, I never went to high school.
So the question is, who's creepier, Uncle Jesse or Joey from Full House? You see there are many varying opinions , theories, and facts on this matter (And no Danny Tanner is completely out of this equation, and the best dad ever btw) So lets review the facts first/theories.. then I'll give my opinion

Uncle Jesse

He's the real actual maternal uncle that definitely puts him at an advantage of being creepy

He had a mullet at one point, which adds to the creepy factor, but then again it was a time when it was the style. No questions asked.

He never really had a full time job, or a job. I remember him writing jingles, and then having a radio show. Then making a music video? I don't know, but Aunt Becky definitely brought home the bacon if you know what I mean.

He definitely fucked a lot of chicks. This is a fact. Shit I would have fucked him, uncle or no uncle. Prior to Aunt Becky I am pretty sure he was dipping that Greek sausage in any hole that came along. Mostly skanky slutty bitches I'm sure with big hair and lots of aquanet. I'm pretty sure he's banged some underage chicks but not really on purpose, the age factor just never came up.

OK, I don't know if you noticed this but Uncle Jesse and Stephanie had a weird love/hate relationship. I think the question came up between them a few times about just how related they were. He was always harping on her more than other two. Stephanie started to rebel in the last season or so. I think something happened between her and Uncle Jesse physically, I can't say full blown intercourse, but something along those lines did happen.

I also think Uncle Jesse got drunk one night, and plowed Kimmie Gibler. I think Kimmie was totally sober since she had been into him for awhile. He got fucked up after a fight with Aunt Becky, went outside in the backyard to sit and collect his thoughts and Kimmie was there. She was just leaving the Tanner residence after a night of watching music videos with D.J. Sure enough, she saw him, and one thing led to another. This would explain why he's so annoyed and tries to avoid her every chance he can get. He's so disgusted by what he did.

Joey (Gladstone)

Joey, Joey, where do I begin with this guy. Despite people calling him Uncle Joey, he's NOT the Tanner girls uncle or relative in any way shape or form. He's Danny Tanner's best friend since grade school.

He did have a mullet as well. Not as cool as Jesse's but Joey wasn't even in the same league as Jesse in anything. But he did keep his mullet for a long time, well after it was fashionable.

Joey initially moved into the Tanner house to help Danny out after the tragic death of his wife.  thennnnn he just stayed. I'd really like to see the place he lived in prior to moving into the Tanner household. I'm guessing it was a motel called the Red Robin near the airport which had weekly rates.

He lived in the garage for awhile as I remembered, lived in the living room... Ummmm then moved in the basement, after being interrupted one too many times jerking his hockey stick. Luckily I think the girls were way too young to know what was going on, but I am sure they did inquire what the quick rapid movements, moans, dirty talk in chipmunk voice, and creaking of his cot were at night. (All Uncle Jesse had to conceal with were slurping noises) Danny got tired of these questions, and then Joey moved to a room on the same hallway with all 3 girls. And stayed. Forever I'm sure. I'm sure he's there right now.

Like Jesse, Joey didn't have much of an income and was constantly changing jobs. He was a struggling "comedian" a really shitty one. Then he was sticking his hand up a puppet ass named Mr. Woodchuck.

Joey never had a serious relationship. He had that one girl with a funny voice for a bit, but other than that he was content not dating or having a relationship with a female of the opposite sex other than Danny's children, and Jesse's wife.

I don't think he had a car.

I have to go with Joey on this one as for being creepier. This mofo is incapable of having a normal conversation and does horrible impressions. I don't think I have ever laughed once at any the jokes he has done, except for "cut it out" which I still do use quite frequently, I will give him props on that one.   I would image it being horrendous having to literally shut your bedroom door in his fucking face every time your friends came around. "Is that guy Joey still living with you guys?.. I thought he was only staying for a bit, not like 10 years." I can picture him forgetting to lock the bathroom door all the time and walking in on him naked brushing his teeth or blow drying his hair. Then him making some horrible impression or joke to ease the awkwardness of it.

Agree, disagree??? Let me know your thoughts or ideas, or maybe I'm missing something!!!

pictures via Full House Reviewed   - great site I recommend you visit it btw