Guide to Surviving Holidays With Creepy Uncles

I understand this post might be late as tomorrow is Christmas already, but I recommend that you bookmark this page, print it out, or whatever because I guarantee you that you WILL NEED this for future reference. Because whenever there is a large amount of family and friends and spiked eggnog, there will always be a creepy uncle lurking around the corner...

Now even if you don't technically have a creepy uncle, chances are you know someone who does. And chances are that you are more than likely to run into this person during the holidays more than any other time of year. So here are some tips to make your encounter a little more bearable.

1. You don't want him to show you his new "purchase".

This will involve a lot of unnecessary small talk, and the chance to be alone. He will ask you this as creepy uncles love to show off their new purchases no matter how big or small. It could be a new cam shaft in his trans am, or a new air hockey table he put in the basement, or "man cave". It doesn't matter. Creepy uncles take pride in these things, plus it gives them the chance to up the creepy factor and segregate you from the rest of the party, making an escape a little more difficult. They love to talk and brag about their purchases no matter how mundane they may seem. It shows they have money (no matter how they got it and prove the whole family wrong and their ex wife, even though they're buried in back child support payments) and they can chew your ear off  for a lengthy period of time about nothing making things just plain uncomfortable. Plus they've probably been on all day drinking binge. Not a good combo.

2. Keep your cute friends away from him.

Creepy uncles love young new blood. They relish holidays just for the simple fact that you might bring a friend home who has no place to go for the holidays. Preferably female. They love this for these simple reasons; A. Most likely she hasn't heard about his reputation B. She'll probably drink just a little too much C. She's grateful that you invited her to your home for the holidays so she'll be on her best behavior and won't be rude as your normal friends are to him. You could warn your cute friend about him, but she'll will most likely laugh, and say "Come on... I'm sure he's not that bad." Or accuse you of exaggerating.
You could do two things, let her learn the hard way, which in my opinion is just fucking cruel. Or you could make it your nights mission and do a good deed (karma!!) and make it your mission to keep her away from your creepy uncle at all costs.
Your creepy uncle will try to make conversation with her about anything. "You like fly fishing? I got some fly fishing rods in the back of my truck, well not my truck my buddy's truck if you wanna take a look." Change the conversation quickly. If she gets up to go to the kitchen for a refill, follow her immediately, don't wait, as he will already be two steps ahead of you, cornering her near the refrigerator.

3. Do not take his advice, about anything.

Creepy uncle's love to give advice. They've been there done that. Whether they're a successful lawyer or a night janitor at Wendy's, they have some sort of life lessons they need you to know. Now you might say "Damn, I should give this guy a break.. I mean he might be right about this one." Stop yourself and throw that thought in the "I will never think this again" box. Creepy uncles might have good intentions (some of them) but most of them took a wrong turn in life somewhere, and can never seem to get their shit together. There is a reason for that. Again I repeat do not take their advice. Think of the things that have come out their mouth in all the years you have known them. "Fuck college man, I didn't need no college, or fucking high school... look at me. I did that whole fall-off-the-ladder routine and now I get $350 bucks a week from Uncle Sam." or "So she pressed charges on me, listen buddy, you love something you don't let it go, no matter what the law says or how many restraining orders she puts on you. If she didn't care about you she wouldn't go through all this time and trouble filing reports, and going to court and shit." You don't want to follow in their footsteps. Creepy uncles will rarely admit when they're wrong.

Those are the major no no's for the holidays, there are also some small ones. For instance if they smell, obviously stay away, or spit they talk stand back. Don't get too attached to the girl/guy they bring home, they won't last. And if you they ask you if you want "to party" say no, because you have no idea where they got that shit, and what its cut with.
Most importantly enjoy the holidays!