Uncle Rico

Every time I watch the movie 'Napoleon Dynamite' and Uncle Rico is introduced, I can't help but feel a sense of deja vu. Like his character is based on someone I know. Maybe I've partied with him before.. He's the uncle that comes 2 hours late to a your nieces 5th birthday party, and without saying a word to anyone opens the refrigerator, pulls out a can of Budweiser, and proceeds to chug it until empty and says "I'm fucked up bro... Sophia come give your Uncle Rico a hug!!!!!"

Uncle Rico is the guy who keeps asking you if you want to see the new upholstery he put in his van, even though you're pretty sure he's asked you this at least 3 times before. His van is conveniently located half way down the street near an empty lot.

Uncle Rico is the guy where a typical conversation with him goes as follows..
"Who's that sweet piece of meat over there..."
 "Uncle Rico she's 13."
"Well I'll be....."

Guide to Surviving Holidays With Creepy Uncles

I understand this post might be late as tomorrow is Christmas already, but I recommend that you bookmark this page, print it out, or whatever because I guarantee you that you WILL NEED this for future reference. Because whenever there is a large amount of family and friends and spiked eggnog, there will always be a creepy uncle lurking around the corner...

Now even if you don't technically have a creepy uncle, chances are you know someone who does. And chances are that you are more than likely to run into this person during the holidays more than any other time of year. So here are some tips to make your encounter a little more bearable.

1. You don't want him to show you his new "purchase".

This will involve a lot of unnecessary small talk, and the chance to be alone. He will ask you this as creepy uncles love to show off their new purchases no matter how big or small. It could be a new cam shaft in his trans am, or a new air hockey table he put in the basement, or "man cave". It doesn't matter. Creepy uncles take pride in these things, plus it gives them the chance to up the creepy factor and segregate you from the rest of the party, making an escape a little more difficult. They love to talk and brag about their purchases no matter how mundane they may seem. It shows they have money (no matter how they got it and prove the whole family wrong and their ex wife, even though they're buried in back child support payments) and they can chew your ear off  for a lengthy period of time about nothing making things just plain uncomfortable. Plus they've probably been on all day drinking binge. Not a good combo.

2. Keep your cute friends away from him.

Creepy uncles love young new blood. They relish holidays just for the simple fact that you might bring a friend home who has no place to go for the holidays. Preferably female. They love this for these simple reasons; A. Most likely she hasn't heard about his reputation B. She'll probably drink just a little too much C. She's grateful that you invited her to your home for the holidays so she'll be on her best behavior and won't be rude as your normal friends are to him. You could warn your cute friend about him, but she'll will most likely laugh, and say "Come on... I'm sure he's not that bad." Or accuse you of exaggerating.
You could do two things, let her learn the hard way, which in my opinion is just fucking cruel. Or you could make it your nights mission and do a good deed (karma!!) and make it your mission to keep her away from your creepy uncle at all costs.
Your creepy uncle will try to make conversation with her about anything. "You like fly fishing? I got some fly fishing rods in the back of my truck, well not my truck my buddy's truck if you wanna take a look." Change the conversation quickly. If she gets up to go to the kitchen for a refill, follow her immediately, don't wait, as he will already be two steps ahead of you, cornering her near the refrigerator.

3. Do not take his advice, about anything.

Creepy uncle's love to give advice. They've been there done that. Whether they're a successful lawyer or a night janitor at Wendy's, they have some sort of life lessons they need you to know. Now you might say "Damn, I should give this guy a break.. I mean he might be right about this one." Stop yourself and throw that thought in the "I will never think this again" box. Creepy uncles might have good intentions (some of them) but most of them took a wrong turn in life somewhere, and can never seem to get their shit together. There is a reason for that. Again I repeat do not take their advice. Think of the things that have come out their mouth in all the years you have known them. "Fuck college man, I didn't need no college, or fucking high school... look at me. I did that whole fall-off-the-ladder routine and now I get $350 bucks a week from Uncle Sam." or "So she pressed charges on me, listen buddy, you love something you don't let it go, no matter what the law says or how many restraining orders she puts on you. If she didn't care about you she wouldn't go through all this time and trouble filing reports, and going to court and shit." You don't want to follow in their footsteps. Creepy uncles will rarely admit when they're wrong.

Those are the major no no's for the holidays, there are also some small ones. For instance if they smell, obviously stay away, or spit they talk stand back. Don't get too attached to the girl/guy they bring home, they won't last. And if you they ask you if you want "to party" say no, because you have no idea where they got that shit, and what its cut with.
Most importantly enjoy the holidays!

My Creepy Uncle Rick

We all have those uncles, maybe cousins, or know someone like this. The uncle who just never quite got it together. You know the kind I'm talking about. The ones that hugs you just a little too tightly, and lets his fingers linger just a little too long on your arm for no apparent reason. The uncle who's been engaged more than a dozen times, a couple of divorces, maybe a few restraining orders in his midst, but hey, she was fucking bitch anyways. You sometimes hear things about him just from a simple stop at the local convenience store. "Dude, you should have seen your uncle last night.. holllyyy shit!" Maybe he's been to rehab, or jail. Maybe he's a school teacher who lives in your basement has a collection of hamsters. There is such a variety out there.

I've noticed this in my 3 decades, from various weddings, funerals, family parties, reunions’, bar patrons, or whenever I'm around someones family function there is always that one uncle, just lurking around being well that creepy uncle.

Let me tell you a little story about my creepy uncle Rick, who use to live in the apartment above our garage at our old house. He would disappear for days. Come back with a beat up truck or woman. Usually the woman (I use that term loosely) would only stay for a week or so max, but the car. Well the car would stay perched on cinder blocks in the back yard while Uncle Rick would chug down warm natural ices while pretending that unicorns exist and that this piece of shit car would someday work if he hung around it long enough, and sprinkle Marlboro red cigarette butts around the vehicle as if it was magical fairy dust and would somehow make that car start.

Don't ask me what Uncle Rick did for a living. I really don't know. When rent time would come around he would be gone a few days. That's usually when I felt safe enough to bring my 13 & 14-year-old friends around. Even then he would have a sense, that underage girl sixth sense, and come out of the woodwork with a 12 pack of natural ice in his hand and new cut off sleeved t-shirt.

Uncle Rick was one of those people who just didn't get the hint. That it was A.) Inappropriate to hit on 14-year-old girls, when you're 38.  B.) It was illegal to buy/offer persons under the age of 21 alcohol. C.) He had the worst body odor and D.) No one cared about "your cunt of an ex girlfriend" anyways. I would sit there in our communal plastic lawn chair and watch my friends cringe as he slammed down beer after beer, (half of it ended up on his shirt anyways) throwing the empties in the yard while slurring, "I don't give a fuuuucckkkkk. Ain't my property" and let out a belch that rustled the squirrels out of the trees.

At first it was awesome and then it just became annoying. Then it became sad. I never felt so alone in my life. I had a creepy uncle and I was ashamed of this.  I no longer wanted to bring what few friends I had around. Instead I would make excuses.. "Maybe we could hang out at the mall.. or go to a movie?" LAMEEEE....It was my hidden secret, or so I thought. Until that one fateful day I realized I was not alone.  I went to a friend’s BBQ at her aunts’ house. Low and behold he was not hard to find. Another creepy uncle. Although he looked different, was a different age, build, and balding, he still had those same characteristics. For an hour I watched him put on silly hats, take pictures in various poses,  laugh, and then seem to get extremely intoxicated and try to blow up balloon animals, until his wife screamed at him to get inside "Quit making an ass of yourself Ronald!".

I turned to look at my friend, with my tears in both of our eyes, I grabbed her hand which was shaking. "Why didn't you tell me? Why didn't you fucking tell me goddammit!" I said as I shook her shoulders. "I don't know, I don't know..." she replied sobbing. She was a real ugly crier, that’s why I shook her so hard. "I was just, just soooo soooooo ashamed..." she continued to cry. I shook her shoulders harder. Like I mentioned she was a real ugly crier. "GODDAMMIT, WHY US!!!" I bellowed to the sky. I took a plastic blowup dolphin and threw it into the pool as hard as I could. The wind was not on my side that day and it ended up over the fence into the neighbors yard.

So I decided to start a blog about "Creepy Uncles" Anyone who's ever had/has one or knows of one, works with one, or just has stories to share. (made up or true) You are not alone.

Please send 'em in!